Choose Your Hard: Overcoming Overthinking and Personal Development for Women Over 40

Trust me when I tell you, I can out-overthink you any day of the week.

You set your alarm for 5:30 am because, dammit, you're going to stick to the plan: get up, work out, and have the kids out the door without everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

At 5:30 the alarm goes off. You hit snooze.

Then at 5:38.

5:46.

At 5:54, you turn off the alarm and consider getting up, but you're way too comfortable. The bed is too cozy, and there's always tomorrow. You're just going to lay here for a few more minutes....

When you finally wake up at 7:06 to a quiet house, you freak out!

Your daughter is eating leftover pizza and extending her Snap streaks and your son is still sound asleep.

They need to leave for school in 24 minutes.

Why do mornings have to be so hard?!

Honestly, because we make them that way. Not because we want to be overwhelmed and anxious but because we refuse to be uncomfortable to have what we really want.

Hitting snooze is easier than getting out of a cozy bed to work out.

Saying yes to one more favor is easier than holding the line with your boss.

Feeling anxious about doing something familiar is easier than feeling anxious about doing something new.

Especially when you start to overthink everything that could go wrong, question your decisions or judgment, or listen to other people's well-meaning opinions.

In episode 134 of More Than Anxiety, I had a conversation with Pamela King.

Pamela is a Small Business Optimizer with a knack for turning chaos into streamlined success. After spending 15 years as an educator in Northeast Ohio, she shifted gears to help busy entrepreneurs build efficient systems and scale their businesses with confidence.

But before she created this incredible business for herself, Pamela was a teacher working her way out of the classroom. I've shared my story of leaving the classroom so having a conversation with her and hearing her story felt very relatable and I think it will for you too whether you've left a job or you're working on personal develop as a woman over 40.

My friends, my family, everyone thought I'd lost my mind. - Pamela King

The Hard We Don’t Even Notice

Life is a game of thirds. One-third of your life is going to feel dreamy. Another third will be neutral. And the final third is going to be hard; sometimes to the point of incredible pain, anxiety, depression, and rage.

We're at a point in history where we think everything should happen instantly and without struggle and that's simply not true.

But before I go down a winding road about gratitude and mindset, let's look at the hard things you accept as part of life without doing anything to stop them because feeling anxious, stressed, and disappointed feels safer than doing something different.

Maybe you stay in a friendship or relationship that's one-sided or manipulative.

You get up and drag yourself to a job that drains you and makes you cry.

You pick up fast food again; even though you know you need to change your diet.

And that's just the beginning.

So why do you do it? Because your brain and mine love certainty.

Even when it's soul-sucking.

Even when you're anxious.

Even when you have an exit plan.

You choose to stay because it's familiar and safe.

“And even if it is scary or even if it is uncertain, I’m choosing that uncertainty rather than feeling stuck.” - Pamela King

How To Get Unstuck: Personal Development for Women Over 40

Before you can get unstuck, you have to realize that you're staying stuck on purpose. I know, it feels ridiculous and maybe untrue but the truth is, if you want to make a change, you have to do things differently.

When I'm coaching, one of the very first things my clients learn is to use their bodies as a guide to stop overthinking. Your body will be your first clue that you're overthinking.

Once you notice how you feel, take a look at your thoughts.

Are you:

• Overplanning so you feel in control or to avoid an imagined disaster?

• Procrastinating because you're afraid of the wrong way or wrong time?

• People-pleasing to avoid conflict or an uncomfortable conversation?

• Overworking to feel productive and worthy?

These are anxious thoughts and habits that feel important and true, but what's really happening is they are protecting you from changing because, in the most dramatic and effective way, your brain thinks that if you do something different, you'll surely drop dead or be excommunicated outside the cave and freeze or starve to death in the winter. (Yes, it really is that dramatic. Think of it as a caveman.)

What Needs to Happen Instead

You can feel anxious and stuck or you can feel anxious and hopeful. It's really that simple but either way, you're going to have to be able to handle and manage feelings that aren't comfortable in order to get you from where you are to where you want to be.

If you decide to create a boundary in a one-sided or unhealthy relationship, you're going to feel uncomfortable until you do it and then you're going to feel proud and confident.

You'll start noticing the people in your life who make you feel good and spend more time with them because you're not attached to someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind.

When you decide to put in your notice at your job and leave to find something that aligns with your values, your calendar, or your passion, you'll probably feel unsure, anxious (or maybe even terrified).

And once you leave, you might feel a mix of freedom and that anxiety might linger for a little bit until you land or create the dream job and wonder what took you so long.

You're less tired so you have more energy, you're in a better mood, and you're closer to your kids and partner because you're not stressed about work all the time.

And when you decide to start waking up at 5:30 to get in a workout and pack a healthy lunch, you might wonder if you've lost your mind until you realize your mornings are less chaotic, you have more energy, and you're down five pounds.

Suddenly you're trying new hobbies, taking on new challenges, and you're asking for what you deserve because you feel good about yourself!

Give yourself a big helping of grace if it's taken you a while to get there. It took Pamela and I years to jump ship and that's okay. Everything so far has brought you to this point (and maybe this post) and it's not too late. In fact, now might exactly the right time.

And it took years. So, you know, nothing—I didn’t jump into any of this… it’s okay to build an exit strategy.” - Pamela King

Your Choice, Your Hard

It's corny and cliche but it's true. You choose your hard. The fact that you're doing personal development as a women over 40 is amazing! It shows me you really want change!

If you don't like where you are right now, choose to ask for help and get yourself unstuck. No one said you have to do it alone, but you do have to do something.

A great way to get clear on what you want, what's keeping you stuck, and where to start is on a Boundaries and Balance Audit. This is a free service I offer to help women kickstart their growth by joining me on a 30-45 minute call. (*This is not a coaching or sales call. For a coaching consultation, click here.)

You can do hard things, my friend. You've already been doing them. I know you might be thinking that you'll do it tomorrow but that's another day of choosing hard and stuck instead of hard and hopeful.

Choose wisely. 💜