Tired of feeling like you're not enough? In episode 8, I'm talking about "should"ing on yourself and how it can hold you back from achieving your goals. You'll learn how to:
Identify and challenge negative self-talk.
Replace "should" with "want" to empower yourself.
Embrace your unique strengths and abilities.
Create a life that aligns with what your values and wants
Key Topics:
The power of words and self-talk
The "should" mentality and its impact
The importance of self-compassion
Setting goals that align with your values
Overcoming self-doubt and limiting beliefs
Join me in this episode and learn the tools and techniques to stop shoulding on yourself so you love and appreciate yourself more.
Podcast Transcript: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing Your True Potential
Welcome to Episode Eight. It is so great to have you here. And I am super excited to bring you this podcast today, you are going to get so much out of this podcast. This is a concept that I'm teaching today that I started using right when I began my coaching career. So back in 2019, when I was just learning about some little things that I could use in my own life, and use with my clients, this was a big one. And I didn't realize that I did all these things. So I am positive, you are going to get an incredible amount of insight out of this podcast and I'm super excited to share with you how you can stop shoulding all over yourself and change the words that go with the phrase "I am". Today is all about "I am" and "I should" and how you can pay attention to what you're saying, to really embrace the strong and capable, amazing person that you already are that is hiding behind those words. Before we ever even get started today, I want to ask you a very important question and I want this question to be... you can stick this on sticky notes all over.. "Who says?" ?Who says?!" That's a big question. Are you ready to get curious? All right, let's dive in.Â
01:57
I want to start with a quote from Kurt Cobain. You know who Kurt Cobain is right. I mean, I'm a 90s teen, so I'm hoping you know who Kurt Cobain is. If you don't, he was the lead singer of Nirvana and he changed rock and roll forever. Thank you very much Kurt Cobain. And I'm going to say that as a statement of fact. The quote is, "To wish you or someone else is a waste of the person you are." I'm gonna say that again, "To wish you or someone else is a waste of the person you are." I am a very firm believer that you were put on this big round ball of dirt and rock to do amazing things. You were given very special gifts, and to wish that you were doing someone else's life steals the greatness that you have to offer this planet in a time when we need amazing people. You truly are amazing and have incredible things to offer the world and mankind. But none of us get to experience how incredible you are until you know how incredible you are. So let's start with the first phrase I want to talk about today let's talk about "I should." We like to say things like, oh, I should really do this. I should go for a run. I should be a better mom. I should be able to stop feeling so anxious. Whatever it is for you. The point is that the word should takes your power and gives it to something outside of yourself, another person, another situation, even your feelings. When you should, you are directing your power away from yourself. Should puts outside pressure on you to follow whatever the heck somebody else is doing or to do life the way they are doing it. Should influences your beliefs about what is right and what is normal. It doesn't necessarily mean you agree with it, it just means it's something that you "should do" because somebody else's who you think is doing it right or having more success. So my question is, "Who says?" Remember... who says who says you should or shouldn't be doing something? Is it you? It's important to remember here that the words "I should"; words aren't just words, words are truth and they carry so much weight. So instead of saying shoul, what if instead you take the most powerful action available to you in the moment. If your thought is I should do this, the most powerful action is to decide why.
04:49
 So what if the power before you make any decision is to pause? There is so much power in stopping; just pausing for one second. This power of taking a breath and just a quick moment to remind yourself exactly where you are. Where the heck am I right now? Come back into the center of your body. Put a stop to this racing mind and all of this outside influence that saying I should, I should, I should! When we should ourselves, we start to feel like less of a person, less capable, guilty, even. But instead, ask yourself, what do you want? And what do you expect of yourself? Not what does Mary down the street think you should do? Not what does your mom think you should do? What do you know is right for you? What do you think is right for you? Just take that pause, the most powerful thing you can do in that moment is pause. It's really easy when we look at what other people are into to feel pressure to pick up that habit, or that hobby, or that color scheme, or that shirt for ourselves. This is why we ask around, isn't it this is why when we feel anxious, we go into support groups, or we call our friends or our parents or whomever on the phone and say, "What should I do?" Or delegating our power. We're giving it away to someone else, when in fact, if we could pause and we could take a moment and take a breath, and listen to what we know to be true, we have the answer.Â
06:36
So for example, this is not an anxiety example, this is a very real example, though that I have felt lots of times and this is the true story. Okay, so I feel a lot of pressure to run. I am not a runner. Let me be very, very clear... I will not run - like you ever probably. It's just not my thing. I hate it. Like every time I try it, I don't like it. And I will admit there are times when I think yeah, I could go for a run. Usually when I have a bad case of poison ivy, and my doctor has put me on a steroid pack to get rid of poison ivy that first day I'm like, "Yeah, man! I could run like, far!" And maybe I do, but I will pay. So then I start to run and I realize how miserable it is, not to mention the fact that I have like incredible scoliosis and my chiropractor kind of rolls his eyes and shakes his head like no, we're not running. So anytime I tried to do it, it's awful. But I still feel pressure to run. And there is no reason for this. It's only because I have this thought that everybody else is running so I should do it too. And the truth is running is their thing, but it's not mine. I like weights. And I'm really learning that I kind of like HIIT, which I mostly hated not very long ago too. So when I say I should run, now I know that I shouldn't run, but I actually feel pressure to run. I like to walk. I like to do boxing, I like to do yoga, I like to lift weights, I don't like to run. So I've changed my words, and I don't say I should run anymore. It's not my thing. And that's okay. Everybody else, have fun! Run far, run fast...but don't don't call me up to do that. I'm because I'm not going to. It's not my thing I shouldn't, because I don't want to.Â
08:27
I've said this in past episodes, and I'm gonna keep saying it because curiosity is important when you're taking steps to manage your mind. Anxiety management, stress management, all of these things, are all managing your mind. That's it! So, again, I want you to get curious about why you think you should do something. Do you think that you should do something because everybody else is or you perceive everybody else is? Because I guarantee you if everybody else is running, I'm going to be proof positive that not everybody is because I'm not. Not everybody is going out and spending money on new iPhones today. Not everybody is feeling great every single day. Not everybody is going on vacation right now. That's just what we see. Do you think you should do something because everybody else is? Do you think you should do something because that is what's normal for you and your family? Do you think you should do something because it will make you feel better? Or maybe do you think you should do something because it would actually be beneficial to you? Once you think about those questions... Why? Why should I do this? You can get curious and you can start to wonder would this improve my perception of myself and kind of raise my vibe? Would this makes me feel like, I've got a lot more energy? If that's the case, maybe you should, but you don't have to use the word should anymore. Okay? Will this help me be healthier? Will this help me be more positive? Will this help me change my perspective? Or somebody else's? Or will this help me change a circumstance? Just be curious about why you think the things that you think you should do, and only if the answer is in line with your heart, your goals, or your life, go ahead and make a choice to do something or not do whatever it is that you're considering. Take that word should out of there. You get to decide. This is your life. Stop delegating those decisions to someone else. I say this with love, because we've all done it and I still find myself falling into this.Â
11:00
You do not have to believe every single thought and you should not believe every single pop that pops pops into your head. We make up a lot of stories and set expectations based on how we complete...can please others to keep up with the Joneses. "They just got a new car. Ours looks really bad. It's kind of embarrassing. Maybe we should go buy a new car." I don't know, Do you like your car? Is it something you want to spend money on? Do you even like the car the Joneses bought or do you just feel pressure because they bought a car? Always stopping to ask Should... what's that about? This is a big part of what anxiety is made of.Â
11:44
If you remember in last week's episode, where I talked about creating horror stories instead of writing writing RomComs in your head. You learned in that episode that we are really good storytellers, we can create all the stories we want. You get to decide what you believe and what you need to create a life that gives you more of what you want and less of what you don't want. Less of what is scaring you, less of what's stressing you out or making you anxious. And if you are unsure if something is in line with what you actually want, try saying it this way. "It is important for me to do this because...." fill in the blank. If you aren't sure, is this a should, or is this something I really want. Say this instead, "It is important for me to do this because..." why? If you can't think of a reason why something is important, then you can just let yourself off the hook. It's just not your thing. Okay, let it be someone else's. You're not them. We already have them, we need you. When I say it is important for me to run, because... and I try to think of a reason why I really can't think of any reasons for that. There is no important for reason for me to run. There is no important reason for me to do a lot of things that people say I should do.Â
13:09
So occasionally, my mom will say, "Megan, you should go back to school and you should get your Masters!" And a lot of this happened when I was still teaching but that hasn't been that long ago. So I would think, Hmm, no, maybe I should go back to school and get my masters? But I had this feeling in my gut like, Ugh, no! I don't want to do that at all... but maybe I should go back and get my masters. And that would be my mom would be super excited if I would do that. And then I would think it's important for me to go back and get my masters because.... and it was like crickets. There is absolutely no reason in the world for me to pay to go back to school and to get my masters at this point in time. Maybe someday, but not right now. It's not important to me. So could I yeah, I totally could. But I'm not going to. Because that should doesn't stick for me. When you're trying to decide if there is something that you "should do" or "shouldn't do", start considering why you're doing the thing. If the answer is it makes someone else happy and you hate it, don't do it. Or if you feel like I will fit in better, or it will make me feel less guilt, you don't have to put that pressure on yourself. There are so many things in this world waiting for you that can bring joy to you, and to other people at the same time. And when you start doing the things that light you up inside, you start being able to share that joy and share those experiences and you're special person with the rest of the world. Because let's be honest, if you're doing things that other people think you should do, does that feel good to you? Because they know that you're maybe not into it. You want to give them the best version of yourself and sometimes saying no, is the best thing you can do for someone. Should, again is outside influence.Â
15:13
Okay, so let's switch gears and talk about "I am" now. So this is another big one. This is something that comes up with every single person that I coach. Everybody! We all do this. Again, let's go back to the idea that words are really important and "I am" is more than just two words that we throw out there. Whenever you say "I am", it has to come to pass because it is spoken as the truth. It is spoken as your truth, even if you don't like it. As soon as it leaves your mouth, it is your truth. And your truth is your current reality. As soon as you say "I am", whatever that is your current truth, even if you don't like it, and even if it's not a fact. Since your reality is specific to you, if you say it, then your brain believes it. And then suddenly you're living it. When you say the words "I am" and actually resembles the name of God and there's always meaning attached to it because it creates who you are. It is a creative phrase. So if you were continuously to say I am clumsy, whether that's true and you fall down all the time or not, whether you have ever tripped, you officially become clumsy. Your brain will start finding reasons that clumsiness is true for you. So let's say that you trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Even if you hadn't tripped for weeks or ever in the past, your brain would notice, and it would verify your story. It's going to seek out what you say to find proof. So I probably tripped in the past and didn't even notice. But if I suddenly am saying I'm a klutz, my brain would be like See, you're a klutz. That doesn't make it true. It's just the way that your brain works. You choose and create your truth in what you think and what you say about yourself. You have to choose wisely. If you don't want to be clumsy. Don't say I am clumsy. If you don't want to be scatterbrained, don't say I'm scatterbrained say I'm graceful, I'm agile, I can do lots of things. I'm smart, I can sort through details. All of those things are a lot better than I am clumsy or I'm scatterbrained. Do you see the power in that? When you say "I am", it becomes your truth. Make your truth what you want it to be. You have all of that power inside of you. and your brain is designed to back it up.Â
17:52
So how can you start being more intentional in creating less anxiety and more of what you want to see in your life? It's super simple. Watch your mouth. That's really important and it requires some attention. So you have to commit to shifting your focus to what you are currently saying about yourself. What are you saying? Is it kind? Is it something that you would say to your best friend or your grandma or your aunt or someone like that? Is it truthful? Is it what you want to see in your life, or is it based in fear or lack? There is no judging here. Remember, we're not judging ourselves. We're just curious. And we're being intentional because your brain will find all the proof it needs to verify your truth. Intentionally choosing to shift your words, sends a direct order to your brain. You can make a game out of it if you want and finding evidence for what you want. I've done this over and over in my life and you actually have too. You may not even have known it at the time, but you always find what you're looking for - always. This concept really flipped the switch for me. So when I learned that I could shift my thoughts and change how I viewed myself and what I was capable of doing. When I stop saying things like "I'm anxious" all the time. "Oh no. I'm just like I'm really anxious all the time". "I'm always anxious." "I'm an anxious person." "I'm anxious. I'm scared of everything". "I'm afraid I'm gonna die". "I'm afraid I have all the diseases". "I'm sick". "I'm weak". "I'm scatterbrained". I am, I am, I am, I am... all the stuff that kept like rolling out of my mouth, when I stopped and started noticing my words. While intentionally stopping saying those things, it changed my brain and my focus. I allowed anxiety to become my identity. I am anxious. I am too scared. I can't do that. I... which basically means I am not capable of doing that.Â
19:59
So remember in Episode one when I talked about neuroplasticity, if you haven't listened, just go back to Episode One and check it out, I talked all about what is going on in your brain and your body when you're anxious. Neuroplasticity is the capacity of the nervous system to develop these new neural connections based on familiarity. What that means is when we focus our brains on something, our brains start to find evidence and more neurons grow out to create new pathways, so that they can connect faster. They use this a lot with people who are in stroke rehabilitation, we can use it in... I used it as a teacher in a classroom by finding things that kids already knew and connecting dots like, "oh, you know, this. Let's see how these go together." We create new neural connection. Our brains are always changing, and always growing, which is great news. Because if your story has been the I'm anxious, and I'm stressed, and I'm not capable, you just change your brain. You do it all the time, without having to think about it. When we focus our brains on the evidence and things that we want, if we start looking for peace, if we start looking for what's going well, if we start looking for grace, if we start looking for money, or red cars, or whatever, those neurons will start stretching and using other awesome features of your brain like the RAS, which is the reticular activation system... That's for another time... to direct your focus. And it'll start to reprogram you for what you're looking for. The longer you search for what you want, the more you're going to find. Catch yourself being unkind, untruthful and negative. When you talk about yourself, stop saying things like I look like crap today, or this makes my butt look fat, or whatever else it is, you're saying. Say "I look good", or "my lipstick looks good", or "whoa, this hair is something else. I'm gonna pull it up because it looks better that way!" It doesn't have to be like "I am the most disrupted gorgeous thing that's ever walked the planet". If your hair looks like crap, when it's down, pull it up and be like, dang, that's better. It's better than looks like crap. Just a tiny shift. You don't want to say "I look awful" Or "I'm so ugly." Tell yourself what you want to believe and make it come true and if this feels to unavailable or unbelievable, start with one small shift. Maybe something like this, "I'm creating a good day because I took care of myself this morning. I brushed my teeth and that is the start to a good day." It doesn't have to be over the top. It's one step for you. Not one step that's equal to the step of somebody that's 10 steps in front of you. If the problem right now for you is I'm so anxious that I can't even get up to brush my teeth, brushing your teeth is a major step. We celebrate that and we say Look at me, I'm having a good day already. I did something new. This really works. I know it seems way too easy. And here's the thing. You may not believe it when you start saying it but as you say it, your brain proves it true. I swear, I learned this an ED psychology like 20 years ago in college, you guys. It's sort of like when you tell a kid they're stupid and they don't ever try because it becomes their self fulfilling prophecy.
23:17
If you tell a kid, they're smart they'll always succeed, or most of the time, or they'll believe that you can succeed, which is the same. High tide raises all ships and that includes your ship and your tide. Okay. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your grandma or your mom or your best friends, or anyone else. You don't deserve to be talked to that way. You'd be ticked if somebody else said the thing that things to you that you say to yourself, so why is it okay for you to say it?Â
23:52
Let's recap this episode really quick. I know it's not quite as long as the other ones. It's a quick one. But it's powerful and it's simple, and you can start right now. Here we got ready.Â
24:03
Number one, saying "I should" isn't based on your experience or your reality it is based on somebody else's experience, or their beliefs, or their reality. You can choose your should based on what you want and why you want it. Don't should all over yourself. Ask yourself why you shoul. Ask yourself why this thing is important to you and if it's important to you, awesome! Do it! Maybe you should, or maybe you shouldn't; you decide though. And two, "I am" is a statement of creation. If you say it, you've started to make it real. Maybe not right in the moment but you've already put that ball in motion. "I am" is always stated as a fact so make it a positive fact. Okay?Â
24:49
How can you get started creating a life with more of what you want and less anxiety and stress? Speak positive "I am" statements or affirmations to yourself in your head or or out loud every day, all day long, especially first thing in the morning, when you wake up. Your brain is a little bit more between totally conscious and subconscious at that point, get up and say some positive stuff. If you can, like, stumble to the bathroom mirror and say them, bonus points. So if you're at the grocery store and you say, "Oh, I always choose the wrong thing!" Just change it to "oops, grabbed the wrong thing. I'm gonna grab this one instead". Just switch it up, just change it and make it more positive. Intentionally rephrase the negative comments about yourself and make them positive. Catch yourself in the act. Don't let anything slide. It's okay to be relentless on yourself right now because you're being relentless on yourself to change the way you think. And number three, of course, if you're feeling ready to talk about working together, there is no better time than right now to get started. Anxiety is a sticky digger. The longer it hangs out in your brain and in your body, the stickier it gets and the deeper it digs into your life. If you're ready to make an intentional decision to change now sets you up for success sooner. You can schedule a free consultation using the link in the show notes. Or you can jump over to my Facebook group. It's Megan Devito life and anxiety coach. I'm right there scheduled time for us to talk. I hope this was a huge A HA for you today. I know it was for me when I first learned all of this, and I will see you next week in episode nine. Until then, take care.I hope you've enjoyed this episode of The more than anxiety podcast.
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