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Writer's pictureMegan Devito

Breaking Down the Walls: Overcoming Defensiveness for Deeper Connections


woman standing behind a fence
Defensiveness Keeps Relationships Shallow

This whole personal growth thing would be a lot easier if that big emotional wall called defensiveness weren't in the way, wouldn't it?


I say that with love because I'm mostly talking about myself.

But maybe you understand where I'm coming from.


Do you ever feel like you're always on guard, putting up walls or distancing yourself from others? I know I do and it's kept me isolated from people I've wanted to be closer to, and away from events that I've secretly wanted to be a part of for far too long.


Why Do I Get So Defensive?


Defense mechanisms are like psychological shields that you unconsciously use to protect yourself from anxiety or threats to your self-esteem. They help you deal with uncomfortable emotions, criticism, or negative thoughts that pop up in different situations. These defense mechanisms often start in childhood and stick with you into adulthood.


Common Defense Mechanisms


According to Consulta Baekeland, "Defense mechanisms are an integral part of everyone's psychic functioning and are only considered pathological when their use is abusive or too rigid." If you're using defense mechanisms to work out negative emotions by journaling or to channel aggression into sports, you're using them to your benefit. However, using defense mechanisms to avoid emotions or confrontation or to push your feelings onto someone else, it's time to find a better way to cope and connect.


Negative defense mechanisms include but are not limited to:

  • Denial: Refusing to accept a painful reality.

  • Repression: Pushing away unwanted thoughts or memories.

  • Projection: Putting your undesirable feelings or thoughts onto others.

  • Rationalization: Coming up with logical explanations to justify your behavior.


The Cost of Defensiveness


Imagine you're having a conversation with someone about a recent disagreement. 

When you're trying to explain how you feel or what you think, you notice yourself feeling defensive. You might try to justify your actions or beliefs, blame others for the situation, or shut down the conversation altogether because of how you perceive the conversation or the person.


When you're defensive, you miss out on opportunities for deeper connections, erode trust, and create feelings of resentment and hurt. This can be especially damaging in relationships with the people you care about the most.


While these defense mechanisms can give you a quick breather from stress, they can also hold you back from forming strong relationships and personal growth. Relying on them too much can make it more difficult to manage stress, cause you to feel anxious, and keep you from a fulfilling life.


How Coaching Helps You Overcome Defensiveness

Coaching can provide a safe and supportive space to explore the root causes of defensiveness and develop strategies for overcoming it. Through a personalized coaching approach, we can:

  • Identify defensive patterns: Recognize when you're becoming defensive and understand the underlying emotions driving it.

  • Challenge defensive thoughts: Question the negative beliefs and assumptions that contribute to defensiveness.

  • Stay present: Learn to focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or projecting into the future.

  • Develop healthier communication skills: Learn how to express yourself assertively and listen actively to others.

  • Grow your confidence and self-worth: Find value in staying open and trusting your value as a person.


    By becoming more self-aware and resilient, you can slowly swap out these less helpful defense mechanisms with positive coping strategies. Life coaching can lead to more emotional well-being, self-acceptance, and genuine connections with yourself and others.


The Benefits of Letting Go


When you let go of defensiveness, you'll experience:

  • Deeper connections: Build stronger relationships with loved ones based on trust, empathy, and open communication.

  • Increased self-awareness: Gain a better understanding of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so you can choose how to respond without defensiveness.

  • Reduced anxiety: Feel more confident and at ease in social situations, confrontations, and disagreements.

  • Enhanced emotional well-being: Experience greater happiness, fulfillment, and peace of mind.

  • More Fun: Less anxiety, more confidence, and better relationships allow more time and energy for having fun and enjoying your life.


Would you agree that feeling defensive keeps you stressed, anxious, and isolated?


If you're ready to let go of defensiveness and create deeper connections, I'm here to help.


Contact me today to schedule a consultation call to learn about what it's like to work with me and how I can help you feel confident, calm, and have more fun.




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